Is it Worth it?
I'm almost afraid to explore this. I'm afraid of what I might find, that all this while, I was, in fact, wrong.
It could have been me that took her to the corner to share a moment of intimacy. I saw it coming, but never expected what impact it would have on me. When she whispered to him to indicate her intentions, and when he agreed and took her aside, that was it. The rest of the night was pretty much gone, I seemed to have been sucked into an abyss of confusion at best, and regret at worst.
But is it all worth it? This Cause that is Christ? When earthly dispositions seem to be in endless war with morals and values almost entirely contrary to human instinct? When this battle against pleasure in the only tangible world we know just simply does not make sense where the result is deprivation from such harmless and plainly natural acts?
Faith cannot be the sole reason behind the inhibition prima facie. The majority of the inhibition roots in my discomfort in the intimate pursuit due to inexperience, inexperience due to attempts to upholding the faith. So at its core, it really is the faith that has prevented my enjoyment of this area of life.
Right now, I'm not sure its worth it. But maybe thats why I need the faith, because without, I would never be able to experience a real possibility of returns that far exceed my expectations of my sacrifice.
I need Him to assure me. And to satisfy me. How sinful and useless am I that I need so much to be satisfied.
Crack the Shutters
i dunno where to begin. this is the first post in literally years, and i only feel compelled to post something cuz i need to reorganize my thoughts in an attempt to figure out my future.
To take the Gap yr or not?
WHY I SHOULD TAKE THE GAP YEAR:
1) Because I need to be more employable to businesses after i graduate from uni, and the only way about it is to have biz experience, which right now i don't have.
2) To have the assurance of coming back to uni for final year of law school (with possibly) no commitments to a biz.
3) Gain as many contacts as i can before i graduate.
4) Be able to try a form of biz with no expectation of the "long haul".
WHY I SHOULD NOT TAKE THE GAP YEAR:
1) Not graduating with friends.
2) Might loose motivation and essential study skills.
3) Hassle of moving belongings around.
4) Exposure to potential financial risk with regards to parent's ability to fund tuition fees.
5) No guarantee of useful business experience.
At the end of the day, all evidence seems to point to the fact that i SHOULD take the Gap year, as the benefits outweigh the disincentives. A few years down the road, once everyone has graduated and friends and i are in the working field, I know i will thank myself in retrospect, i dont see why not.
I thank God, whatever the case, that the pickle I'm stuck in isn't so much between a rock and a hard place. Rather, its between the clearly marked, well-travelled gravel path (the status quo) and the picturesque, less-travelled dirt path (the could-be). Both ways, i won't be in a disadvantage.
But do I need a firm offer from a biz before i decide to begin my gap year?
YES:
1) Without a firm offer, i could end up bumming around and wasting time instead of graduating sooner.
NO:
2) So what if i don't graduate sooner? Won't I at least find a job to do? Or at least attempt setting up some form of business? The attempt of searching to establish myself with in itself be valuable experience. And I am not one to bum around anyways.
So it seems my logic and reason points to the fact that I should, in fact take this year off.
This is one of the most significant cross roads in my life. Probably just one down from choosing to study in Canada. This has significant impact in my future career, and I need to figure out what I'm all about, what i actually am passionate about, and what i am called to do.
yup, i know i know...
its been ages since i posted anything... well, just so u know, i had a super long post last night, but blogspot cocked-up, so i had to postpone writing one tonight..
but since i'm going in army camp tmr, i'll leave u guys to look at my pics in my foto blog which link is on the right panel along with my other links, and this one sentence.
if anything happens to me in army, just so u know.. i love u... maybe not as much as i love my mommy, but i love u nonetheless.
Grad was awesome, I'll talk more about it when I get my pics posted..
But for now, i've just come to a realization of wat a horrible gentleman i am.
For one, my date constantly said, "ladies first" only to have that whooosh right over the head.
And i consistently forgot about allowing my date to sit first, much less pull the chair out and push it back in for her, before taking my own seat.
And i walked up the bus before she did.
And i walked in front of her
And i asked my friend to go explore without considering the fact that his date was not done with the meal.
... the only thing remotely gentlemanly i did was open doors for her and stand between a her and a bunch of drunk guys.
I've charted 'low' my mother's Gallent Analysis Barometer. To our chagrin.
Well, that stinks... i think i need to attend Gentleman 101.
But wat my mom said was awfully true. She says i've been much too independent and on-my-own the past couple of years, that gentlemanly treatment of a lady (the Western practice, not the innate one) has not been put in use.... almost entirely. :P
Apparently i'm a nice guy. But not gallant. Oh, the Horror!!! (right....)
So i've resolved that from now on i shall endeavour to practice and master the convoluted ways of the Gentleman, till i have effectively swept every female specimen of her feet without the use of dough, charm, or Prada. The second of which i am going to find especially difficult to surpress.
Haha anyways, i'm just going to be more conscious about my the way i treat ladies from now on. (to those ladies who know me, kick me in the nuts if i've done something outragiously ungentelmenly when we're hanging)
Thats all Folks !!!
So school had ended. Yes it has! Yesterday was the final day of high school.
What began as ACS primary to ACS barker and then to Saints, is all over in its dramatic but inevitable end. As excited as I am, i dont quite understand my sadness toward it all. maybe its because school was the framework of my entire life, or at least the life that i know it to be. Its akward that i have to use the word 'was', never realizing that it even.... well... was.
So anyways, school ended in a rather happy note. thankfully :). firstly, this year's grad prank was a raging succes. I'd even have to say the most successful of all the years i know! these were the excellent pranks, (well done Grad '06!)
1) thousands of styrofoam cups placed in the teacher's staff room, covering the entire ground, leaving no space exposed other than from in between the cups.
2) Barracade the teacher's parking area and malignantly declareing to the bamboozaled teachers waiting at the parking entrance, "GRAD PARKING, BIATCH!" (at least the parking spots were filled with worthy cars this time)
3) All grads given a self-declared Casual day, i.e come to school in watever clothes, uniforms discouraged.
And...
here's the catcher...
4) 3 smart cars and another really crazy nice car brought into the upper level of the Great Hall, and placed there for exhibition. Amongst which was a DJ table fully equipt with turn tables to greet the flabergasted witnesses. Outside the entrance to the Great Hall were a mini cooper sport with the canadian flag printed on the roof and a sport SUV. (an engineer was brought in to design the installation and removal of the cars in the hall)
5) NEXT to the entrance to the great hall, was a self made beach! the grads brought bags upon bags of sand from a beach and made themselves a beach party right by the entrance of the school!
So yeah... the last day was awesome.
But somehow the most moving thing that happend that day was after the very last class. Every student had to bring the chairs and tables from the last class to the gym for examination formation. After which i just sat in the empty, half-lit classroom, staring into the emptiness and silence of it all, reiterating in my head..
thats it... thats actually it, damn it...
thats it. its finally ... over...
Thank you Lord :)
This, is too weird
There is less then 4 days of school left.
Of high school
The LAST 4 days of my ENTIRE high school life.... left...
The life which begun with entering ACS(primary) to entering ACS (br). To entering St Georges.
In short...
the only life i knew.
Is over, in a simple matter of FOUR days or 96 hrs or 5760 mins or 345600 sec.
And by the time this is published, those numbers would have already been reduced.
And by the time u've read this, those numbers would have already been reduced even further.
And by the time i've posted my next post, those numbers would have been reduced to a measly Z-E-R-O.
Anyways, i'm just waiting for my silk screens to be primed for printing... in the mean time, i've found some fotos of my old art work on my school account (which would ultimately be discontinued/severed/oblitorated in no less then a month)
so here goes.
Weight of the world
This is incomplete, and i dont intend to complete it. haha. my teacher
hates this piece. haha
Portrait of a woman (print)
This was the final of three very gruelling attempts. I'm totally in love with this. So much so that i wont remove it from my portfolio case. haha. it was a carborundum print. (dont bother googling wat that it, its so unknown a technique, even google doesnt have it... i think)
Potrait of a woman (plate)
So this is the inked-up plate with made the print above. I refused to wash the ink off, i think the plate looks like a piece in itself.
hangers
A prototype study for my final exam piece. its too bad fotos cant capture prints very well. it looks gross on this foto, but i'm lovin' this piece.
Abstraction
I'm soo lovin this piece. I used this piece amongst others for my art uni interview. definitely gonna get this framed when i go back to singapore.
_________
havent named this one, but this is of sentimental value. Was my very first carborundum print.
Bali
This is the first of my 3 studies which led to my most sucessful peice this year (of which i have no foto of :P) its called bali only cuz this piece was inspired by a piece i bought in bali.
this is study number two. it was from this piece that i realized how valuable my art teacher was. This pisce has the most unbelieveable number of layers underneath it, from over painting. haha. but i love it.
my friend ricky. Art class buddy and rigg scholar. (remember my post about this scholarship?)
Ricky's brother, Henry... oh and friend, matt kalkman
keep pillin'
for today's obligatory 3 random facts:
1) apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking u up in the morning. (surprise surprise)
2)The first owner of Malboro died of lung cancer.
3)all US presidents wear glasses. Some just didnt like to be seen in them in public.
Today was a really eventful day. It events just seemed to keep pillin and pillin.
First, my DAD called in the morning, which was a rare miracle in itself. out of the blue. And after speaking to him for about 8 min, he calls agains, and this time we conferenced called by sister in LA and bro in singapore, how cool was that!!! It really really made my day.
We talked endlessly, i never realised how frustrating conference calls can be cuz everyone can speak together at a time. But u know, this was the very first time i realized how politically inclined all 3 of my dad's children has become. its pretty amazing. I mean, the kids can actually argue with their dad now! Our conversation felt so intensly political, if anything. Even my quiet, nothing-to-do-with-me brother praticipated! it was awesome..
the second mose eventful thing that happened was extremely physically gruelling, intensely hactic, incredibly amusing, frustratingly busy and refreshingly blessed...
all at the same time...I volunteered at the local district fair, to face paint under my church's tent. I face painted at my school fair not too long ago, and realized i loved it and was particularly gifted at it too. So i tot this was an awesome oppurtunity to finally serve at church.
Anyways, the journey to church was literally a journey through mountains and valleys. The district was called"lynn VALLEY" and my home is at the other end of the vallies. It want too bad if werent for the fact that the car was being used and i had to bike up/down there.
Suffice to say, i had my month's work-out trudging up the valley and my month's heart's content of exhileration speeding down the valley, nearly flying forward off my bike.
So i finally got there and spent 30 mins looking for the tent in the dense crowd. When i finally got there, these 3 old ladies were concealed in a swarm of little children and their parents, with the occasional high school girls ;).
As soon as i introduce myself as Ivan, they get up and offer me their sets, obviously wanting to escape the horror of painting on more faces.
Haha, anyways, i took over 2 of the three, and never painting so many faces in my life. well, obviously... i think by the end of the day, i painted 20 faces. which is very many, mind u.
As stressful as it was, it was still incredibly fun, and i would do it again. They were mostly little girls though, so i did lotsa butterflies and flowers. i was really hopin to do a tiger, the most fun in my opinion. But there was this little girl who asked for flames! haha that was pretty funny. And there was the little 7.5 months old baby girl, the cutest thing on the face of the Earth no doubt! but as soon as i stroked my brush on her radiantly smiling face, she started crying and squerming.. i wanted to stop, but her parents forced me to continue over my better judgement, and i apologised profusely to the poor, anguished girl.. and of course to little effect, as if she would understand english in the first place.
the 3rd best thing that happened today was meeting a magnificent 26 yr old lady.
Lets just say that i've been noticing a lady with the most angelic voice for the past 2.5 years at church. Of course the voice was complemented by contestable looks and personality. After the old ladies decided to pack and go, this clown comes over and takes over, allowing me to remain with her to continue painting.
And i realize that under that ridiculous make up and funky clothes was that lady! Lily is her name...
So finally when we started packing (we were the last stand to close) we got time to talk a little.
"are u in the worship team?"
"yeah i was. but i quit because i hardly have time for church now."
"oh thats a pity. i know u've got a great voice" remembering the first time i discovered her. that was when i sat next to her during worship, and we unconciously harmonized with each other! haha
Then, its as if i suddenly hit her on her heart strings, she began to open up most immediately.
"yeah i know. But u know, i'm having troubles with that. I know i have a talent, but i'm not content just being a back-up, and i'm very frank with that at church. and everyone keeps telling me to have humility and all, but i just cant accept that i cant use my voice in a more powerful way. Its like i'm not going to learn to be humble and just store my gift away, just not to show off."
oh my gosh. she was talking about me, as much as she was about herself.
i'm not about to type out my entire conversation, but we essentially had a very personal conversation, and i told her about how i was struggling with the exact same thing, and that i was purposely tossed to the other end of the globe and isolated from participating in church activities so that I would learn to be humble and patient for God's time.
She reminded me, in the most eere way, of myself. She would refuse to listen to secular music and only wanted to use her talents in church, just like i had before.
I hope my message to her got thru though.
Are we really trying to serve God or ourselves?There was a definite reason i face painted today. After 2.5 years and a month before i leave canada for good, i met lily, for a great purpose, only God had planned. And i thank God for his gentle reminder - to the both of us.
In Christ alone, i place my trust
And fine the glory in the powet of the Cross
